There’s this one thing that has been bothering me for a month now. I’ve been holding it in because it’s so embarrassing and it makes me feel disgusted with myself, even though I know that I shouldn’t blame myself. When I called my step-mother for the last time to tell her and my father that I no longer want contact from them, I actually thanked her for being in my life. Just thinking about that makes me want to vomit. I shouldn’t be so disgusted with myself about it, I know that I said that because I was afraid and because I’ve always been afraid. I shouldn’t be ashamed because I was only doing what I felt I needed to do in order to protect myself. But I feel so gross about it. I THANKED her for being in my life; I THANKED my ABUSER because I was too afraid to really stand up for myself. I babbled it; I could hear myself in my mind at the time just saying,”Please don’t hurt me. I’m a good girl. I’m not standing up for myself. I’m not bad. I’m a good girl. Please don’t hurt me.” I know that I have to stop blaming myself. I was scared that day, I was scared for weeks beforehand and weeks afterward. I was scared and I didn’t know how else to protect myself, so I sucked up to my abuser while simultaneously telling her not to contact me again, begging her to leave me alone (and to make my other abuser – dad – leave me alone as well). I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO. But I still feel ashamed.
On a positive note, I’m not so scared anymore that someone will “hunt me down,” and kill me. Some of my family frustratingly still doesn’t understand why I cut off contact, and keep saying that they “wish I would apologize,” and “wish your dad would go down there and give you a hug.” That pisses me off, and before they can get much further I have raised my voice, re-explained the boundaries, and re-stated that “if he does come near me I will call the police and have him arrested.”
I have one month of freedom under my belt, and I am not letting anyone take that away from me.