the Perks of Being a Wallflower

So many people like the Perks of Being a Wallflower. I decided to watch the film instead of reading the book and now I’m a disaster. Everybody talks about it being beautiful and fun and meaningful – they skipped over the horror. I don’t know how I was never exposed to the book as a teenager, but now I am grateful. I never would have survived.

I can’t stop crying.

I know why Charlie’s falling apart and it’s the same reason I’m falling apart now. How did nobody mention the god damn incest rape in this movie?!

Thank goodness I was watching this alone.

And thank goodness I didn’t pick up the book.

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Get Out of the Kitchen

So I’ve been hungry for hours, but I cannot eat because somebody has been in the kitchen all day. This particular somebody spends every waking moment sitting in the kitchen watching television. It’s as though this person is protecting the food from being eaten – not from me, but from everybody. Oh everybody in the house knows that I have an eating disorder. But ze is so fucking special that ze gets to sit in the kitchen all fucking day and all fucking night and it’s not ze’s fault that I cannot eat with ze sitting there all the time – because ze of course isn’t being hostile or intimidating to anyone who walks into the kitchen, nonono, of course not, why would you think that? 

So you see it’s my fault that I don’t just buck up and deal with it. God why am I such a baby, right? I mean, it’s not like I have a serious fucking eating disorder or anything! Oh yeah, but ze is so special and so important that ze gets to do whatever ze wants and I just need to stop being such an over-sensitive dramatic crybaby about everything. /sarcasm

I just want a bowl of soup!


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Entitled Book-Learners

So this article on yahoo basically says that college graduates are to blame for their poor employment rates because they expect to be able to get a job in line with their degree, get paid in line with their degree, and receive training for the job an organization is paying them to do. Apparently college graduates are little brats for expecting to be paid more than $25,000 a year simply for having a degree. You know, because it’s so damn easy to live off of less than $25,000 a year even without having to pay back student loans.

When your degree cost more than $25,000 a year, you bet you expect to get paid more. That’s not saying that graduates aren’t taking whatever job they can get – because they are. But apparently everyone with an advanced degree is an entitled little fuck because they expect *gasp* a return on their education investment.

This isn’t about “paying your dues” in the field either – because you’re certainly not getting into your field. This is about paying a premium for college only to end up folding sweaters part-time. “And you better be grateful for that, you entitled little shit. Who are you to think you’re better than everyone else who has to fold sweaters for a living just because you have some namby-pamby degree anyway? Huh?” Right, because working a job I could’ve had without going to college, after college, is totally fucking worth the investment. You’re right, I have absolutely no reason to be upset. After all, I brought this upon myself by being a little smarty-pants, book-learning college kid.

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They Shine With It

They Shine With It

I took a picture of this quote, from the book “She Left Me the Gun: My Mother’s Life Before Me” by Emma Brockes. I sobbed when I read it. Luminosity.

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Guilty for Eating

I feel guilty for eating because it costs my grandparents money.

My grandfather said “you eat too much,” when I told him I needed more money for groceries. I know that he didn’t really mean it, he’d never begrudge me food, health, or money (no matter what the money is for). I know that he was just joking, and he normally jokes about everything.

But now I feel so guilty that I eat, and that I likely do eat too much and that I just need to stop eating. Just stop eating, like I did before when I ate almost nothing and it cost almost nothing and I was almost nothing and it didn’t bother anybody. I feel like I don’t deserve to eat because I can’t afford it and I don’t work enough and I’m just a mooching piece of shit who eats too much. I mean, I know better than most people that you don’t need all this food to survive. I am a piece of shit because I try to eat like everybody else but I don’t deserve to because I haven’t earned it. I do nothing to deserve food. I do NOTHING. I am a failure because I cannot find a job to support my god damned food eating habit. I hate myself for eating. I hate myself for being such a fucking burden.

I know that he didn’t mean for me to think any of these things. I know that he would hate it if he knew how I feel right now. But I can’t help it, I am so ashamed. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO LIVE WITHOUT FOOD RIGHT?!

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I cannot escape my childhood

A friend asked me today how my parents washed apples for me when I was younger. I just told her how I clean my apples as an adult, and how my grandparents clean their produce. She kept asking about how my parents did it, and I was so frustrated because my “parents” didn’t do anything like that. I didn’t know that we were supposed to clean our produce before eating it until I moved in with my mother before going to college. My “parents,” who “raised” me – my father and his wife – they didn’t wash my apples for me when I was a child. It’s just another one of those tiny differences between how I grew up and normal healthy families. My friend just couldn’t understand how this most basic of childcare was denied me, and of course I was confused and amazed that parents actually do those sorts of things for their children.

I mean, I always made my own breakfast too (and for my younger brother if he wanted). It’s another one of those things that I learn makes me so different from many people. People just don’t understand how we kids were never loved, were never really parented, in that house. I took care of my brothers when they were ill. I cooked breakfast, sometimes even dinner. We lived in a middle-class subdivision, and went to good suburban public schools. We were latchkey kids. We were neglected and we were abused, and nobody would ever have believed it. I didn’t know that things could be different, and I keep learning all these stupid ridiculous small little things that families do – things that are supposed to be normal and universal in my cohort – things that we never had. Or things that we did, that we had to do, that are so foreign to others.

I don’t know how I could ever be normal when I don’t even know all the ways that I’m not normal. I started watching Modern Family and it always makes me cry, because they are a family. It hurts so much that I just couldn’t have a real family – all those things that families are. Seeing how much they love their kids, how proud of their achievements and caring when things don’t go so well. I feel like I’ll never have a family because I just don’t know how; I barely know how to have friends.

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Cognitive Dissonance

I live with a bigoted, racist, sexist, classist, ableist homophobe who believes everything she is told by Foxnews, and “important Republicans.” I don’t even have responses for much of the shit she says because it is so over-the-top blatantly false, and she adamantly insists that she is correct and I am “uninformed,” that my brain just vapor-locks. I don’t understand how a person could be so stupid as to automatically believe all of the things that she believes – things which are verifiably false (like her beliefs regarding taxes, or even for-goodness-sake, that Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz are the obvious authorities on everything they ever cover in their shows and if I or anyone else disagree, well then we are wrong and hateful people). That’s right: I am a horrible, hateful person because I point out that people on talk shows are not necessarily arbiters of scientific fact.

Oh yes, I get to listen to lectures about how there is a “war on Christianity,” and how the government is going to come down to our house and physically take extra tax money out of her pockets even though she makes a point to pay all of her taxes. (I don’t understand where she got this fucking idea and how she doesn’t realize that it doesn’t make any sense at all.) And of course I get to hear her hatemongering comments about the President and the First Family.

I hate the way she thinks and I hate the things she says. I hate the way I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in this house. But she is an old woman and I would feel bad for leaving (though I’m a sure as hell going to have to get over that. It is not my problem, she is not actually alone, and it isn’t going to actually hurt her any. She’ll probably talk shit about me after I leave anyway, like she does about every single one of her tenants except those who still bow-down to her), and the rent is unbelievable. My apartment is amazing – beautiful and large – and the rent (which includes all utilities and cable) is so low that it boggles the mind.

I obviously would only leave when I have a job that would allow me to afford another place, but the thought of it still hurts. The money I save in rent could be paid toward my student loans, put in savings, pay for groceries, any number of things. But I’d have to live with a woman who, though kind and sweet to those in front of her, has these hateful beliefs which she has no qualm about spreading. I both like her (when she’s not spewing) and despise her.

That is generally the crux of it. These hateful people aren’t horrible monsters all of the time. They have complex lives like all the rest of us. I feel bad for wanting to not be around someone who is so hateful when she isn’t ONLY hateful. I don’t want to have to move again so soon, and I don’t want to have to pay almost double in rent/utilities per month to live in a place that isn’t as large/nice as my current apartment, and with roommates when I currently live alone (my apartment is attached to a house).

I guess right now I’m saying that hopefully I will get a job that will keep me busy enough to not have much time to spend around here interacting with her. Though that also would suck because that is reduced time to enjoy my beautiful apartment. There is no winning in this situation at all, is there?

As soon as I can afford to pay more in rent I will move to a different place. I need to think of myself.

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