They Shine With It

They Shine With It

I took a picture of this quote, from the book “She Left Me the Gun: My Mother’s Life Before Me” by Emma Brockes. I sobbed when I read it. Luminosity.

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Guilty for Eating

I feel guilty for eating because it costs my grandparents money.

My grandfather said “you eat too much,” when I told him I needed more money for groceries. I know that he didn’t really mean it, he’d never begrudge me food, health, or money (no matter what the money is for). I know that he was just joking, and he normally jokes about everything.

But now I feel so guilty that I eat, and that I likely do eat too much and that I just need to stop eating. Just stop eating, like I did before when I ate almost nothing and it cost almost nothing and I was almost nothing and it didn’t bother anybody. I feel like I don’t deserve to eat because I can’t afford it and I don’t work enough and I’m just a mooching piece of shit who eats too much. I mean, I know better than most people that you don’t need all this food to survive. I am a piece of shit because I try to eat like everybody else but I don’t deserve to because I haven’t earned it. I do nothing to deserve food. I do NOTHING. I am a failure because I cannot find a job to support my god damned food eating habit. I hate myself for eating. I hate myself for being such a fucking burden.

I know that he didn’t mean for me to think any of these things. I know that he would hate it if he knew how I feel right now. But I can’t help it, I am so ashamed. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO LIVE WITHOUT FOOD RIGHT?!

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I cannot escape my childhood

A friend asked me today how my parents washed apples for me when I was younger. I just told her how I clean my apples as an adult, and how my grandparents clean their produce. She kept asking about how my parents did it, and I was so frustrated because my “parents” didn’t do anything like that. I didn’t know that we were supposed to clean our produce before eating it until I moved in with my mother before going to college. My “parents,” who “raised” me – my father and his wife – they didn’t wash my apples for me when I was a child. It’s just another one of those tiny differences between how I grew up and normal healthy families. My friend just couldn’t understand how this most basic of childcare was denied me, and of course I was confused and amazed that parents actually do those sorts of things for their children.

I mean, I always made my own breakfast too (and for my younger brother if he wanted). It’s another one of those things that I learn makes me so different from many people. People just don’t understand how we kids were never loved, were never really parented, in that house. I took care of my brothers when they were ill. I cooked breakfast, sometimes even dinner. We lived in a middle-class subdivision, and went to good suburban public schools. We were latchkey kids. We were neglected and we were abused, and nobody would ever have believed it. I didn’t know that things could be different, and I keep learning all these stupid ridiculous small little things that families do – things that are supposed to be normal and universal in my cohort – things that we never had. Or things that we did, that we had to do, that are so foreign to others.

I don’t know how I could ever be normal when I don’t even know all the ways that I’m not normal. I started watching Modern Family and it always makes me cry, because they are a family. It hurts so much that I just couldn’t have a real family – all those things that families are. Seeing how much they love their kids, how proud of their achievements and caring when things don’t go so well. I feel like I’ll never have a family because I just don’t know how; I barely know how to have friends.

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Cognitive Dissonance

I live with a bigoted, racist, sexist, classist, ableist homophobe who believes everything she is told by Foxnews, and “important Republicans.” I don’t even have responses for much of the shit she says because it is so over-the-top blatantly false, and she adamantly insists that she is correct and I am “uninformed,” that my brain just vapor-locks. I don’t understand how a person could be so stupid as to automatically believe all of the things that she believes – things which are verifiably false (like her beliefs regarding taxes, or even for-goodness-sake, that Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz are the obvious authorities on everything they ever cover in their shows and if I or anyone else disagree, well then we are wrong and hateful people). That’s right: I am a horrible, hateful person because I point out that people on talk shows are not necessarily arbiters of scientific fact.

Oh yes, I get to listen to lectures about how there is a “war on Christianity,” and how the government is going to come down to our house and physically take extra tax money out of her pockets even though she makes a point to pay all of her taxes. (I don’t understand where she got this fucking idea and how she doesn’t realize that it doesn’t make any sense at all.) And of course I get to hear her hatemongering comments about the President and the First Family.

I hate the way she thinks and I hate the things she says. I hate the way I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in this house. But she is an old woman and I would feel bad for leaving (though I’m a sure as hell going to have to get over that. It is not my problem, she is not actually alone, and it isn’t going to actually hurt her any. She’ll probably talk shit about me after I leave anyway, like she does about every single one of her tenants except those who still bow-down to her), and the rent is unbelievable. My apartment is amazing – beautiful and large – and the rent (which includes all utilities and cable) is so low that it boggles the mind.

I obviously would only leave when I have a job that would allow me to afford another place, but the thought of it still hurts. The money I save in rent could be paid toward my student loans, put in savings, pay for groceries, any number of things. But I’d have to live with a woman who, though kind and sweet to those in front of her, has these hateful beliefs which she has no qualm about spreading. I both like her (when she’s not spewing) and despise her.

That is generally the crux of it. These hateful people aren’t horrible monsters all of the time. They have complex lives like all the rest of us. I feel bad for wanting to not be around someone who is so hateful when she isn’t ONLY hateful. I don’t want to have to move again so soon, and I don’t want to have to pay almost double in rent/utilities per month to live in a place that isn’t as large/nice as my current apartment, and with roommates when I currently live alone (my apartment is attached to a house).

I guess right now I’m saying that hopefully I will get a job that will keep me busy enough to not have much time to spend around here interacting with her. Though that also would suck because that is reduced time to enjoy my beautiful apartment. There is no winning in this situation at all, is there?

As soon as I can afford to pay more in rent I will move to a different place. I need to think of myself.

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Sensationalizing in the Media? No Way!

Regarding the weather, and fearmongering on the news:

I was talking to my landlord about this last night while watching ABC news. So, this morning, talking about it with my (elderly, forgetful) landlord, she decided that the channel had to be NBC because that is the liberal channel and she doesn’t like them (because they’re liberal); it couldn’t possibly be ABC, I had to be wrong, because they aren’t nasty liberals. *sigh* It’s not that she forgets that is the problem. It’s her hatred of anything “liberal” and the labeling of anything that she doesn’t like as “liberal,” and the utter rejection that not all bad things come from “liberals” and that “liberals” aren’t bad/out to get you/destroying the country/hiding under the bed. Thankfully I know enough to not point out that many of her ideas politically and socially are actually “liberal”/not “conservative”/”republican.”

I don’t care what ideology anyone identifies as – don’t misunderstand me – but I cannot stand when people shove this shit down my throat. I similarly cannot stand when people are so bullheaded about their stated ideology, especially when their stated beliefs on issues are in direct contradiction with said ideology. I’m fed up that when I point out such inconsistencies, thinking that we can have actual discourse, people get defensive and accuse me of being an asshole/whatever the opposite ideology is as an insult/stupid child.

I have news for you: You are the stupid one for bullheadedly stating that you believe in one thing while arguing for issues that are blatantly contradictory to your stated ideology whilst arguing that such beliefs are representative of your ideology.

I know that this is not news for many people, but sometimes it is so SHOCKING to me how ridiculous people can be.

My point in the beginning was: the news is sensationalizing things and contributing to fearmongering.Things aren’t going to be as bad as they are stating, for evidence check out every other news channel we have access to and see that they predict things to be measurably less bad than this channel. Stop being so afraid of what is “going to happen,” because it’s not going to be as bad as you are thinking.

But obviously I’m just a smug, evil [pick any ideology], from [somewhere that isn't here] who looks down on all [insert ideology], or is too stupid to realize that [insert ideology] are always correct. And too stupid to realize that the news programs are always correct too – because why would they sensationalize anything ever?

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I Am Not A Coward

There’s this one thing that has been bothering me for a month now. I’ve been holding it in because it’s so embarrassing and it makes me feel disgusted with myself, even though I know that I shouldn’t blame myself. When I called my step-mother for the last time to tell her and my father that I no longer want contact from them, I actually thanked her for being in my life. Just thinking about that makes me want to vomit. I shouldn’t be so disgusted with myself about it, I know that I said that because I was afraid and because I’ve always been afraid. I shouldn’t be ashamed because I was only doing what I felt I needed to do in order to protect myself. But I feel so gross about it. I THANKED her for being in my life; I THANKED my ABUSER because I was too afraid to really stand up for myself. I babbled it; I could hear myself in my mind at the time just saying,”Please don’t hurt me. I’m a good girl. I’m not standing up for myself. I’m not bad. I’m a good girl. Please don’t hurt me.” I know that I have to stop blaming myself. I was scared that day, I was scared for weeks beforehand and weeks afterward. I was scared and I didn’t know how else to protect myself, so I sucked up to my abuser while simultaneously telling her not to contact me again, begging her to leave me alone (and to make my other abuser – dad – leave me alone as well). I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO. But I still feel ashamed.

On a positive note, I’m not so scared anymore that someone will “hunt me down,” and kill me. Some of my family frustratingly still doesn’t understand why I cut off contact, and keep saying that they “wish I would apologize,” and “wish your dad would go down there and give you a hug.” That pisses me off, and before they can get much further I have raised my voice, re-explained the boundaries, and re-stated that “if he does come near me I will call the police and have him arrested.”

I have one month of freedom under my belt, and I am not letting anyone take that away from me.

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Triggers Everywhere

I have to remember that other people don’t really understand eating disorders, no matter how seemingly educated they are. The same way that I need to remember that people don’t necessarily understand diet, exercise, weight loss/gain/maintenance ——–whatever. It feels like absolutely everyone is talking about weight loss right now. People especially enjoy talking about consuming the lowest possible calorie diets that they can, for as long as they can, and they call that healthy because it causes weight loss. All I want to do is scream. I can’t listen to you people talking about your calorie counts and how many miles you swam. I understand that for some people all they want to do is lose weight in order to increase their mobility and actually improve their health (though weight loss itself doesn’t necessarily improve health) – But weight loss shouldn’t be a focus of conversation, and especially with the person you know is battling eating disorders. I’m sure I look fine, I sound fine, but it’s not fine, I’m NOT FINE! Now for the first time since September I want to purge. I regret eating my stupid quesadilla. I regret everything I’ve ever eaten since 2011 (yes 2011).

I’m sitting here crying because I hate myself. I hate this time of year. I hate everyone who doesn’t have to deal with feeling this way. I hate everyone who doesn’t have an eating disorder and who doesn’t have dysmorphia. People who will never know what I’m feeling right now. I should have died three years ago. I hate having to deal with society, just knowing that I’m too big too soft too flabby too ugly too much just much too much.

Am I ever going to be ok?

I just want to live my life without all this pain. I want to stop hating myself so much. I want to live in a world where my looks don’t matter, to me or to anyone. I want to look at myself without wanting to chop off all my flesh. Please, I want so badly to stop hating myself. I work so hard to be happy, it sucks that such “small” things can really mess up everything.

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