I feel as though I will never be safe again. It has come to my attention that someone who speaks to my father, and thinks of him favorably, now knows where I work. Exactly where I work. Where I worked today and where I will work tomorrow. This person will very likely tell my father where I work, because this person always tells my father everything about me. Because this person has been pushing and pushing for me to “forgive” my father and have contact with him again. Because it has almost been one year since I told my father to stay out of my life.
I was already worried that my father might somehow either purposely or accidentally figure out where I work, and show up there. I have nightmares about it. If someone with either his stature or that of his wife walks into the store, I panic until I can be sure it’s not them. I see cars that look like theirs outside the store and outside the house and just outside in general. I panic and stare at/into the cars until I can be sure that it’s not them. And now he knows where I work.
This is my life they are fucking with and it’s not right. It’s not right. It’s not fair. I am so scared. I am so angry. I just want to live my damn life and not be so afraid all the time. I feel so weak for being so afraid. And so stupid that I cannot handle this on my own. I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG! Why can’t these people just leave me alone? Why the interference? Why can’t I just have my life?
I am never going to be safe. My father will always find me. My life is not my own.